i barfeds in our rink
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
