a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
