So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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