if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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