1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
