If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize