he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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