My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
