Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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