I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
