decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
