Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
All the doctor said was why
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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