On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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