i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
