Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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