We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I stole a fireplace last night.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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