Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
