Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
