I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
