God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
