After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
