I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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