That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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