I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
tequila makes me forget i have legs
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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