Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
