He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
