i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
