yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
