so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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