He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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