Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
