Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize