Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
