Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
