a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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