Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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