How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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