i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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