I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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