Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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