Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
