shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize