I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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