Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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