Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize