You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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