if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
