i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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