Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
