i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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