i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
