I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
