**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We're too hungover to prance.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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