i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
