I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
