duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
