Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
