What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
